Z.

But the next time I saw him, he looked so different. Apparently, in the few years we'd spent not talking, he had gone and slept with two more of our colleagues (one of which was an actual public relationship). It was incredible--the amount of gossip that went around in a tiny office like ours. Every single disagreement was documented. If someone made a small snide comment under their breath, everyone would've heard of it by lunch. Everything was everyone's business. And--it was known--if you didn't want people nosing around, don't bring it to work. 

Anyway, so, where was I? Right. I was nosing around in someone else's business. This is just, you know, what I heard. After his affair with J ended (with her moving 3 cities away, taking her kids, and dodging any attempt he made to contact her), he slipped into invariable anonymity at work. Everything went on as it did, and it wasn't until I left the company that I heard anything to do with him. 

We had, well, one of our senior team leads, she was a larger woman. I'm trying to be nice, but she was morbidly obese, let's be real. She wasn't the most charming lady either, okay. Overall, not really 'girlfriend material'. Maybe not to most men. But! You see, our protagonist here isn't most men. He didn't see an overweight overpaid secretary with less than ideal honesty issues. He saw an opportunity.

/

 

Here comes the slow-down--do you see it? In the distance, not so far now, walking hand-in-hand through decades. The excitement we have turns outward. Everything is still wonderful, in new ways all the time, and the colors so vibrant. And not just blue.

You paint the mountains yellow and he holds you in the night. And when he crosses the river, you carry his body in prayer. You hold him with your faith. And on sunny weekends, you sit on your porch and rock together. 

You realize the world isn't that wide; it is two people. Everything else crumbles and still, he holds you. Still, you make him coffee: whole milk and a pinch of sugar. The beach in April, right? The mountains in May. Around you, there's love tucked into the cupboards, hidden in the corners, hung over the doorways. And when he looks at you, it is always a soft but certain yes.

Peace that burns through the night and welcomes the morning; a place where it is always summertime.

A.

 Vanilla Twilight 

we were so happy

xiii.

it seems i've made a habit of slipping into borrowed spaces 

lovers

i hold my breath when I see them
they're my favorite person

Deicide

n.: 
the killing of a god or divine being