Smother Me

Four years ago, this song was something sweet. Four years ago, this was ice skating in the summer and remembering the school year that came before. It was looking forward and wanting someone, wanting them and not being able to admit it to yourself. It was a request and a command. It was a mist and a wind and the waters that stirred beneath it.

This was something you played when you thought of him and something he played when he thought of you -- the piano was delicate, like the strings that held you together.

It was one of the many songs he monopolized. Now you can't listen to any of them without being overcome by an all-consuming wave of nostalgia. You never ached for him but he was a good thought, a good thought that did not resonate, just relapsed. 

You replay the idea of him over and over in your head, fumble with it awkwardly before putting it down and setting it aside, hiding it on a high up shelf hoping next time, you won't be able to reach it. 

+++

A few weeks ago, this song was something stinging. Now, someone else's face comes to mind. The thought of him makes your blood electric -- it's stronger than something built four years ago. It pushes and pushes and demands to be felt. 

The piano is persuasive. It moves and it promises, it begs and it wishes. It's no longer something you want to preserve, it's something you want to achieve. A future you know you want, a future with a boy who is surely good and right (though possibly not for you). 

Your breathing changes when he's around. You smile more. You make no sense. You're losing him and you know this and though you try to be at peace, but it nudges you in your sleep. It nudges you into dreaming -- where is he going, where has he gone.

You touch the idea of him carefully and it sends shivers through you. You keep it close to your heart so you never forget what it was like: the few moments you had with him. It hurts like the concrete pavement that's going to kill you (don't look away); but it's not falling, just flying in reverse. His memory holds you up, away into the earth.