Vanilla Twilight
I'm not one to reach out to old friends so it isn't like I would've done anything differently had it not happened.
I've been listening to Vanilla Twilight a lot since I got the news. In my mind, that's been his song since 2009 (when he slow danced with some girl on a balcony in Baguio, overlooking fireworks, both lamenting her journey back to the States). His entire life amounting to nothing more than a song in someone else's memory. I was still absolutely 100% head-over-heels infatuated with him then, but he was older, and knew each other from youth group -- there was no way anything was going to happen between us. I was, what, 12 years old? Not a chance in hell.
It's just strange to associate a song with someone who's already dead. Is that insensitive? To think that in my memory, he's no older than he was when I last saw him. A college sophomore having small misadventures with girls, having depressive episodes on train platforms, going to church and casually chipping away at my sanity.
Obviously, I'm only writing this for myself.
We started drifting when his depression took a turn and he started alienating people. He was actively pushing me away and I (at the time, a college freshman) didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't want to deal with it. The utility of our relationship had run its course and it was turning into a lot of work to keep in touch, especially since most of our text conversations were just him cussing me out for no reason. In hindsight, he probably didn't want to deal with it either.
I became preoccupied with other things and other people. He became an afterthought. After all, he was just someone I knew from church. At one point in my life, I would've done whatever he wanted. I would've come running. And then, suddenly, he's ? what, not even a consideration.
And now, he's gone.
First person in my life, around my age, that's died. First person of significance. I wonder if this is what grief tastes like. I remember him fondly, and wish I knew better.
